How Ayahuasca healed my anxiety about being a new mother and powerfully connected me to the soul of my unborn child

Shared by NB , experienced 13 years ago.
Substance: Ayahuasca
My first Ayahuasca experience was in Sept 2005. It was so powerful, I devoted myself to that path of awakening. Exploring consciousness is my favourite past-time. Ayahuasca has been a steady companion of mine for 16 years now. This does not mean that I ingest it on a regular basis. What it means is that she sings in my cells always - inspiring me and guiding me through the inner voice of my soul. I have attended over 50 ceremonies in the past 16 years. Many were powerful - but this particular night in 2008 was extra special because I was over 6 months pregnant with my first child. I was in Brazil and we were in Umbanda ceremony. I decided to sit down with the drummers and sing at a certain point in the night to conserve my energy. Normally my baby was relatively quiet inside my womb. I did not "know" the gender of my unborn child. I had not even had an ultrasound. I had no interventions and wanted the pregnancy and birth to be as natural as possible. Deep in my heart, I intuited that it was a boy but I did not know for sure- at least that is what I told myself. Secretly, this triggered fear in me- and as a result I experienced shame for that. For some reason, I felt afraid of having a boy...would I be a good enough would I relate to a boy? I didn't know how to play cars and do little "boy" things. Obviously some major deep fear, insecurity, anxiety and social conditioning was coming up in me - and as I was studying transpersonal psychotherapy at that time, I was well aware that how I felt about my unborn child would impact him and my ability to embrace this next leg of our lives. I sat in the drumming circle and it was loud - the earth and my body vibrated with the sounds of the ancient prayers. My baby was going wild inside of me. It was so restless and it moved me to really pay attention and draw my awareness deep into myself and into my baby. I was really enjoying singing - but I was being called to process. That is how I experience deep process work on Ayahuasca - a calling. I got curious, closed my eyes and started speaking to the baby inside of me. How I experienced "inside of me" is a little more daunting to describe. I feel the body is in the soul...not the other way around. My energy body is much bigger than my physical body so when I attune - I attune to the field. The body speaks to what the field is experiencing. I tuned in and in the space of complete presence, connectedness, awareness, love, trust and faith - everything around me disappeared and I communed very intimately and privately with the soul of my unborn child. I talked to my baby and felt connected and happy throughout the pregnancy - but this was a whole other level of intimacy and interconnectedness that was not always accessible in normal, everyday life. The ego and the business of life gets in the way of being able to perceive the more subtle levels of existence. This I had learned already. Often this is referred to as the veil. Ayahuasca lifts the veil. What happened next was nothing short of miraculous. I got quiet (even with the singing, dancing and drumming around me) and I lovingly spoke to my baby - to the being that was incarnating inside of me. What I said was like a prayer - everything we say is really a prayer - for we are all powerful creators. What we do and say matters. This is where I felt the co-creation/guidance of the master mother teacher plant. I just knew what to came from me but it also came from beyond...and that speaks to the fact of the interconnectedness of all of life. It was like one voice. It said this with complete sincerity and confidence from all corners of my being - "it's ok, you are safe, I am here for you. You know this medicine and it is no coincidence that you are here with me right now. You can relax. I KNOW you are a boy and I am SOOOO okay with that! I love you beyond space and time and always have. I have this silly fear that is not in the way anymore - the barrier is gone." In that instant, he quieted down and visions exploded before me - like fireworks! Heart images flowed before me, riding the waves of existence. Everything was pink and happy and the extreme joy and bliss that we felt together was something I wish every woman could experience during pregnancy. I told him that I was so excited to meet him and was full of gratitude that I was gifted the opportunity to experience the rest of life with him. Then more prayers came- "My motherly wish for you is that you bring with you as much as you can. When we are born, we slowly forget where we came from ...who we REALLY are. And that's ok. Just try to remember as much as you can as you walk the earth so that you are unafraid of shining like the star that you are. The world needs and is waiting for you. You matter." We instantly felt like a bonded team - securely attached - I had the life energy to care and devote my highly independent human self to being the mom that he needed. Turns out, he was a boy and his name became Shai, which means "gift" in Hebrew. My special nickname for him became "my shiny star". And I learned that I could play with cars and that little boys were totally awesome and fun! When I think of all the pregnancies that are referred to as "mistakes" and all the insecurities that new parents face when they prepare to welcome a new being- all the conflicted feelings - all the fear - it speaks to the level of pain that we experience and are subjected to before we are even born. I pass no judgment and honour that awakening happens for each person at the right time. I feel very grateful for the experiences that I have had over the years. The road back to myself has been long - there does not have to be a rush. True, lasting change happens slowly with sincerity - and with loving work. It's time to come out of the psychedelic closet so that more people can understand that humans are nature...nature is not outside of us. When we take plant medicine in community, safely, with intention, proper guidance and with proper integration, incredible healing of neuroses and trauma are possible. Humility, respect and reverence for all that we don't know is what is missing in Western culture. The thing I most often hear from people that have not experienced therapeutic psychedelics is that they are afraid of losing control. Control is an illusion on every level. So many external voices have demonized these natural teachers and they are wrong. They demonized them out of fear and need to control. What I would say to that now is - if you feel control issues/resistance arising during a psychedelic experience, shift to an inner place where you intentionally relax and commune with the spirit of the medicine. You are also the medicine - you are not taking something completely foreign - you are taking something that is a part of you. Pray - talk to - the medicine. In my vast experience, it never gave me more than I could handle or anything less than perfect. It is here to help us. It is here to help us repair the bridge to our wholeness - to our soul. Ask "what is it that I am ready to face now? What are you trying to tell me?" Relax and listen. Become the medicine - come into harmony and union with it. The light and the shadow are all a part of creation. It's ok. You don't have to become free all at once. Take your time. Do as much as you can integrate. The medicine always meets you where you are. There is a lot of work to do after the experience. The experience is the gift. It's integrating it into life that is the human work. But it will free you. One thing that I have come to after 16 years + many more in other forms of therapy and healing, is that it's important to not do to the medicine what we often do with other things and people in life - put it on a pedestal and give it all the power. That is being in the duality again. There is no external source that is the expert on you. We all share the power of creation. Psychedelic medicine is a partner on the journey. It is not a cure all. It will open the windows of consciousness...but what you choose to do with your consciousness is still up to you. It will not stop life from happening. It will not do the work for you. It is a divine messenger. Trust yourself. If you feel guided and curious, trust that the right situation and guides will come. You will know when it's right. Do not rush. Prepare, investigate - and then let go. It's like preparing for a big event a wedding. You prepare, research, plan, organize - but when the day in question arrives, you have to let go and receive the moment in all it's imperfect perfection. Everything you put into it ahead of time informs and starts to create your experience. Mindset is key. I wish you deep self-awareness, feelings of purpose and faith. You CAN meet the life that was destined for you - and create something wonderful and meaningful from it. And no one can take that away from you. Thank you for reading my offering.