I could finally feel again

Shared by Iris , experienced 5 years ago.
Substance: MDMA
There is more than "one" most important psychedelic experience in my life but I chose this one because it was groundbreaking for overcoming my cPTSD. Traumatic memories of abuse in my early childhood had broken free two years before and I was pretty lost, realizing that most of my life had been a lie and things in my family had been much worse than I had believed they were. That night, I was offered MDMA for the first time (just for fun, no therapeutic session). I was curious, so I took it. The effect came very fast and all of a sudden I began to cry. I had been living with a constant fear that I had considered "feeling normal" because I didn't know any other way how to feel. The MDMA turned off this fear and I was able to feel everything else that was beneath: all of the pain, but not in the shape of despair and hopelessness as I was used to, but as grief. I cried about 4 hours, if not longer. I felt so unbelievably relieved. I was connected to myself! The fear didn't cover up anymore how I truly felt. I was able to feel it. Luckily, it stayed that way. I had an incredible time for several weeks after this trip because the afterglow gave me the chance of experiencing my everyday life without this fear. I had to do a lot of work in the following years but thanks to this experience, I was able to see how life could be without the cPTSD haunting me. That gave me the strength and will to go through all of the horrors that came along with working it up. My life is not the same anymore, in the best imaginable way it is turned upside down.
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